10 ways to start your healing journey without validation

When you recognise a toxic relationship in your life, you feel confused, angry, heartbroken you might even grieve. This is all perfectly normal and with time and healing the chaos will diminish. Healing from that relationship can be tough, trust me. The fact I never received validation I so desperately wanted from my mother hindered my healing process immensely. For months I went round and round a viscous circle of questions, feelings of shame and hurt. When a healthy-minded person hurts someone, whether it is deliberate or not it is their validation of the other's persons feelings and perspective that allows recovery.  Validation is needed for the relationship to repair itself. 

When a person who is emotionally abusive this never happens usually when confronted about their behaviour they are the ones who feel victimised. I can not tell you how many times I was told "Stop living in the past" or "get over it already"  and the classic "Are you still going on about that".  This is a form of gaslighting . It is really difficult to move on from any type of tragedy or trauma when our feelings and emotions are discounted. 

Healing and moving on from narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuse requires immense inner strength. It is not easy but it is attainable and it has to be done for your sanity and peace of mind.  

10 ways to start your healing journey without validation

1. Find a counsellor or therapist to discuss these emotions and feeling especially how they affect you. If you can't afford a therapy session have a look at my recent post "5 apps to help with mental health" where I share an app where therapy is affordable. 

2. Reflect on your memories, review the good and the bad with your new found knowledge. I found writing them down really helped me.

3. Educate yourself! Now that you know or have a feeling research and educate yourself! Arm yourself with knowledge and decide where you go from there.  

4. You may wish to consider going NC (No contact)

5. If this proves impossible maybe consider LC (Low contact) 

6. Acknowledge the truth and forgive yourself - You have got to accept the truth that this person has hurt you and probably doesn't care. This will set your mind straight, right after it will send it into a spin of confusion. 

7.  Shift your focus - There will be a long period of time where you will feel pulled towards the past. It is cognitive dissonance and trauma bond at work. It is a sign that there are still things you need to understand and emotions to process. It is absolutely necessary to continue this work, but instead of letting the past steal your present moments, set aside dedicated time to do just that. practice staying mindful in the present and thinking of the future you’d like to create for yourself. 

8.  Be patient - This type of healing requires deep work and deep work requires time.

9. Set some boundaries - In order for the healing to commence, you need to put a protective shield around yourself. If you can physically get away, that is the best. Any memory of the narcissist will keep triggering the pain, slowing down your recovery. So, block them on your phone, email, all your social media, etc. Get rid of any memorabilia reminding you of them. And for goodness sake, do not stalk their profiles!

10. Lastly my most important thing I have to say - Don't seek vindication!  Time is your friend, you will heal and build yourself back up and you will get to a better pace! They will become irrelevant, hearing their name no longer triggers you, you will hear about them in passing and you will no longer care! That will be your vindication.

Freedom from a person or people in your life can be both liberating and disheartening in equal measure and it will often shift back and forth from one to the other. But know this, healing from narcissistic abuse will make you a more integrated, whole, aware and self-loving person. It can be a gift. What you do with it is really up to you.

From Nicole x 

10 ways to start your healing journey without validation